Studio Hive

[EDSBS] The Digital Viking: EDSBS's Guide To Spicy Living

HONORABLE MENTION BECAUSE THIS IS POLITICAL BUT TOO GOOD TO PASS UP: Know what's awesome about the first vestiges of the Facebook generation turning into real live grownups? There is a young woman running for the Tennessee House who refers to herself as a "former model," and when she says "former model", this is what she means:

That sound you hear is me kicking myself, hard, for just having registered to vote in Georgia instead.  Whatever your party affiliation, you can surely agree your stodgy Statehouse could use about twelve of her, assuming the stuffed caterpillar is part of the package.

(Read the rest at EDSBS.)

A modest proposal:

America stands at a crossroads.

The country is divided. Slipping into recession. Fighting two unwinnable wars. Our very planet's future hangs in the balance.

But hope is on the horizon: Election season is upon us. A season of change. A season of possibility. A season of choice.

Brothers and sisters, come together. You are cordially invited to the one true American way:

The Platform



• Abortion. Under the Shockey Administration, not only will abortions be legal, they will be mandatory. If any man besides Shockey impregnates a woman, the pregnancy will immediately be terminated, kind of like what happens when a new lion takes over the pride. Jeremy Shockey stands for his children.
• Gay Marriage. Under the Shockey Administration, all couples regardless of gender will be encouraged to express and formalize their love and union in any manner they see fit (except as noted above). Jeremy Shockey stands for more sex--for everyone.
• The War. The Shockey Administration will order an immediate return of all troops to American soil. Jeremy Shockey stands for more drinking buddies.
• Protecting Our Environment. The Shockey Administration will work aggressively to preserve the security of all American wildlife habitats, ensuring a bounty of huntable critters for generations to come. Jeremy Shockey stands for animal rights and gun owners.
• The Economy. No one can stimulate the American economy like Jeremy Shockey. His HGH and rage virus transactions alone will keep America swimming in new trade relationships. Jeremy Shockey stands for financial security.
• National Defense. With Jeremy Shockey as our president, our borders will be the safest they have ever been. Shockey himself will patrol the fences and manually decapitate anyone trying to cross in either direction, even legally, even to and from Canada. Jeremy Shockey stands for secure borders.
• Crime. See above. Jeremy Shockey stands for safe streets.
• Patriotism. His arm looks like the rear window of a Ford F-150. What could be more American? Jeremy Shockey stands for freedom of artistic expression and love of country.

This election season, cast your vote for America's gun-totingest, boat-jackingest, throat-stompingest hero. Vote for 200-proof leadership. Vote Shockey '08.