Studio Hive

[EDSBS] SEC Media Days: Let's get Chizwhacked

The Media Days Milquetoast Queen sash and tiara still belong to Petrino, but just barely: For a guy who so forcefully reminds us of THE GOON every time we lay eyes on him*, Chizik made a valiantly mild run at saying less than nothing in his 35 minutes on the mic. He looks like he ought to talk like he's gargling gravel, but never does sound fiercer than Charlie Brown's teacher on a physician-approved course of throat 'roids. On with the show, such as it is:

•  IN A CLEAR ATTEMPT TO IMITATE THE GREAT NICK SABAN [initiate Bammer/Barner threadjack protocols to boost Friday traffic GO GO], Chizzy opens by graciously addressing the reporters: "I wanna thank you guys for the positive spin that you put on the players." If we were to print the next sentence, it would become clear to the reader that he's just thanking us for what we're doing to boost the league's public profile, but where's the fun in that?
•  Typical smoothly-delivered patter about the comforts of continuity for a second-year coaching regime is the abiding thesis this morning. They need consistency on offense. Lots of pressure on last year's defense. &c.
•  Auburn's president is name-dropped. Twice. Prop bet?

(Read the rest at EDSBS.)

[EDSBS] SEC Media Days: When is The Hat not The Hat?

A momentary sidebar to what it means to see The Hat without The Hat: that we are treated to a close, personal view of Miles' obvious but impeccably-applied dye job. The contrast between the man before us and the coach in the blown-up photos on the screen is quite humorous, and a little sweet.

•  Opens with a little family talk. "I'm in Baton Rouge to stay." Not having any ponies in this LSU race and just being in this for the entertainment value, we sincerely and fervently hope this is the case.  "Can't wait. Football is here." US TOO, HATBRO.
•  It takes us almost ten minutes to realize Miles has shifted into talking about actual football things. Defensively, he likes what he sees on the interior. Thinks he's got the finest corner tandem in the conference. Offensively? Jarrett Lee? "Has experience." Miles looks suspiciously jacked at this prospect.

(Read the rest at EDSBS.)

[EDSBS] SEC Media Days: Can the Right Reverend Nutt get an amen?

His Giggityness opens his remarks with an eerie Spurrier imitation. "Thirteen years! Good to be here!" He's even got that particular Appalachian twang. It's uncanny. He snaps the illusion by wishing Bobby Johnson a happy retirement, a measure of goodwill the OBC would never commit to in front of witnesses.

•  From the Knowing Where One's Bread Is Buttered Dept.: Nutt manages to drop an "AT&T Cotton Bowl" into the conversation. /cha-ching'd
•  Jerrell Powe "has been a team leader." In our heads, this involves a LOT of piggyback rides. (Seriously, he's bigger than you'd think, which is saying something. Dude could bench any two other players here, no problem.)

(Read the rest at EDSBS.)

[EDSBS] SEC Media Days: Precious, Based On No Discernible Novel Give Us Our Oscar

Precious takes the stand rocking the Power T lapel pin, necessary to be trusted as a human being within the Parallelogram State in much the same way as flag pins are as crucial as oxygen to career politicians. His Sabanite training kicks in and he thanks the room for their coverage, straight off.

•  I did not intend to be the first one called on, but here goes nothing: Dooley's first question at his first Media Days is me asking about his momma, who is nothing short of a graven idol in the state of Tennessee at this point. Precious says he's attempted to pull her back a bit, but adds, "As you know, that's impossible."
•  On his dad: Eventually, "We'll get him in orange." He's "not intrusive, and he never will be.  I would be a fool if I didn't reach out to him."
•  Whatever interns are in charge of putting together the slide shows of coaches' pictures on the projection screen must have a contest going to find the doofiest-looking photos possible. Dooley takes a clear lead here with one shot that makes him look like an angry baby bird.

(Read the rest at EDSBS.)

[EDSBS] SEC Media Days: Spurrier the White, at the turn of the tide

To get this out of the way: Yes, this was a moderate letdown after the Robbie Caldwell Hayride Hour.

•  "We may win it this year." HEY I THINK SO TOO. Seriously. Sakerlina over Arkansas in the Dome this December. I will not get off this pony until the Hawgs lose to UTEP.
•  "I don't think we've had but one player arrested in two years, and those charges were dropped."
•  Twice, he mentions being beaten "soundly" by UConn in the PapaJohns.com Bowl. Visible, audible teeth grinding.
•  "Until we prove that we can play on a consistent basis, we've just got hope." Fearless Leader fights back tears and reaches for his harmonica.
•  "Should be a heck of a game, our opener against Southern Miss."
•  "Players are getting arrested for things that in the old days they did NOT get arrested for. ... They would not go into the tank that night." Simpler times.
•  Giving the turkey insemination talk a run for its money: "Hopefully soon we can get over those seven wins and get up in there." Caliente!
•  A guy across the room beats me to a Garcia question, and asks it WAY nicer than I was going to (my plan: "Coach, has Stephen Garcia matured, at all?"). Reply: "He should play pretty well." Beat.  "If he's the quarterback."
•  That said: "Stephen is our starter."
•  THAT said: "We got another guy." And, "We'll let it play out." Oh, bother.

(Read the rest at EDSBS.)

[EDSBS] SEC Media Days: Robbie Caldwell, Commodore of our hearts

Words fail us. Words do not fail Robbie Caldwell, who we pray meets with all success at Vanderbilt, because this is the greatest performance we have ever seen at a podium. We're going to get out of the way now, and just attempt to transcribe half the things he said. If you can find video of any of this online, do it. We'll post the full transcript as soon as it's out, and try to do him justice in the meantime:

•  Opening remarks: "Man, this is awesome!"
•  On Johnson's retirement: "Tremendous opportunity for me; obviously, it was bittersweet." Bobby J is indeed in fine health, per Caldwell. None of the staff had any idea this was coming.
•  My notes at this point just read, "Bless Robbie Caldwell's heart." Endearing right off the bat, he certainly talks like an SEC head coach.
•  On his stint as the team disciplinarian:  "A lot of players never knew me except for one side nobody wanted to see."
•  Not worried about the interim tag. He bolsters this statement by bragging on a 14-2 high school baseball team he coached in the 70s.
•  On the importance of football to a young Robbie Caldwell from a broken home: "All I ever wanted to be was a head high school coach one day. My high school coaches meant the world to me"
•  He professes to like the administration at Vandy. What they think of him, we can only imagine.
•  His wife says he can only talk about football. "Not true.  I can talk about pouring concrete ... I can talk about working on a turkey farm." This is about where we start to notice: Robbie Caldwell, the interim coach who was pulled off lining the field and plopped in the head coach's chair, is crushing this.

(Read the rest at EDSBS.)

[EDSBS] SEC Media Days: Mark Richt still not fired, Finebaum consternated

For the record, the 2010 Media Days Head Coach LustrousTan Leaderboard reads as follows, with half the coaches yet to appear:

1.  Saban
2.  Richt
3.  Meyer

For a guy who IS GOING TO BE FIRED ANY MINUTE HAVE YOU HEARD IT WAS ON FINEBAUM [mdwm], Richt is the chillest of bros. He looks perfectly at ease, and gets broken in easy with a kiss-ass first question from an outlet that's projected the Dawgs to win the division. Richt: "What's your name? Dave? I like you, Dave."

(Read the rest at EDSBS.)

[EDSBS] SEC Media Days: The un-embraceable Bobby Petrino and Ryan Mallett's 'family arm'

Bobby Petrino talks for 35 minutes, and between us we can remember about 18 words. No emotion ever crosses the mans's face. He doesn't have the shark orbs of Urbz; he's just ... blank. In his next career hop (WHICH WILL BE VERY SOON BECAUSE HE'S PETRINO HAHA), it's quite easy to imagine him a successful assassin.

•  The one remotely interesting thing coming out of Petrino's mouth is the news that Ryan Mallett's smile gives everybody around him on the field an energy boost. Unsaid: "That, and the supply of sugared gorilla-tranq candy he carries with him at all times to ward off animals that might want to nest on his shoulders."
•  Actual quote: "We've got great competition for the kicker spot and the punter position."
•  Says the way he measures a quarterback is by his ability to stand in the pocket and get hit in the chin. Can anyone actually reach Ryan Mallett's chin?

(Read the rest at EDSBS.)

[EDSBS] SEC Media Days: Your morning suits

Bill Hancock proved to be about as ept at directing the operation of the BCS PowerPoint presentation as he is at defending the BCS with coherent, tangible points and without giving the whole matter the unmistakable air of a pyramid scheme. The most captivating bit of the entire event was the error window that kept popping up in the middle of the projection screen, telling him the computer couldn't establish an internet connection.

(Read the rest at EDSBS.)

[EDSBS] SEC Media Days: In Which We Discover Urbz' Bedtime*

Meyer has this odd way of appearing Saban-twee on television, but he's actually quite gangly, and he took the stage for what amounts to Media Days' primetime slot appearing as composed and jaunty as any human-shark hybrid could reasonably hope to project. He also set the land-speed record for blowing through his intro and into the interview. It's perhaps best not to describe his palpable disgust when the first question concerned his non-retirement. (Answer, paraphrased: "SIDDOWN YOU DON'T KNOW ME.") The mic has been knocked out of kilter at this point, and straining to hear him means staring a lot at those flat shark eyes, which is a less-than-pleasant sensation at best.

(Read the rest at EDSBS.)