Welcome to the Digital Viking: The EDSBS Guide to Spicy Living.
Published every Friday, the Digital Viking embraces zesty living with a
six-part review of the essentials:
--A patron saint invoked for inspiration
Diligent study of the Digital Viking's recommendations will increase spiritual happiness and liver circumference. Apply weekly and live daily for best results.
PATRON SAINT: Wojtek. When does a bear get to be patron saint of Spicy Living? When he kills a mess of Nazis, that's when.
Sometimes that figure is a beer-drinking, cigarette-loving, fearless bear who carries artillery shells.
This week's patron saint is Woytek, the Soldier Bear, an Iranian Bear adopted by Polish artillery in World War Two who decided that the perfect way to scare the scales off of anyone crossing their path was to make sure they had a live bear hanging out of their truck window on the way into battle. Brought up as we were on condensed milk from a vodka bottle, Woytek lived and slept with the men, acquiring a love of beer (his favorite beverage) and cigarettes (he ate them) as the unit fought with the Allies across Europe. He once caught an Arab spy sneaking into camp. We have no data to back this up, but suspect the force with which the man shat himself ripped the very fibers of his pants to shreds because WTF A BEAR.
Woytek went on to carry artillery shells at the Battle of Monte Cassino in Italy, one of the many skills his masters taught him. (He supposedly knew how to turn on the camp shower.) Snipers never shot him, presumably because the only thing more frightening than a war-bear are the men he calls master. In between firefights, he wrestled with the men, drank beer, ate cigarettes, and covered his face with his paws when soldiers chastised him for getting into their food lockers.
Woytek eventually died at the age of 22 in a Scottish zoo, where veterans paid their respects by throwing cigarettes at him to eat. We want to clone him and take him for long walks around the park, after which we will sit at the bar and drink until we're full. Then, we shall ride him home as he zigzags down the sidewalk.