Consumption

Redken/Nexxus, remixed

It's easy to slip into pathological vanity wherever your best feature's concerned.  Mine can be found bouncing atop my noggin. The only person on this planet with better hair than me is Kaitlin, and it's a mark of what a precious critter she is that I don't scalp her out of sheer envy.

I have the thickest mane in recorded human history, and it's usually running wild down to the middle of my back because I've had it cut by the same stylist since 1991 and NO ONE ELSE IS ALLOWED NEAR IT WITH ANY CUTTING IMPLEMENT and getting back to Tennessee and into her capable hands is a twice-yearly prospect at best right now.  It's not dry, coarse, or frizzy, but it's got some natural curl to it that can be tricky to handle when it's as short as it is right now, and there's so f'ing MUCH of it that I stick with intensive moisturizing products to keep the lot of it weighed down.

By the grace of Redken, I'm able to go six months between cuts without looking like a sawgrass patch from the forehead up.  It took lengthy experimentation with three of their product lines before I found a combination that worked for me--look through their fetching rainbow haircare family to find your path to follicular glory.   My stylist usually sticks with their Clear Moisture line, depending on how much damage my hair's sustained in the previous six months, which is fairly lightweight and works perfectly fine when I've got freshly trimmed layers to show off, but those layers grow out fast, and after a couple weeks I start to look like the Jesus-Lion and need something with a little more heft.

Extreme. In looking for a good general regimen, I tried this line first because the bottles are my favorite shade of blue (stay with me here, I promise it gets more science-y).  Listen, I'm the first to snort derisively at anything labeled "extreme", especially with an awkwardly placed accent on a random vowel, but they're not kidding here--I have approximately twenty-three pounds of hair on my head and this left it just drenched in moisture.  I'd go so far as to say it's a little too extreme.  If you've just spent a week at the beach and find your locks have been destroyed by wind and water and stray blobs of sunscreen, maybe stock this for emergencies, but I found using either the shampoo or the conditioner more than once a week to be too much of a good thing.

Smooth Down.  Extreme is designated for use on "damaged" hair, so I turned to the next lightest product, designed to control frizz.  This line has an alluring spicy scent--and is still too heavy for everyday use.  (Which, don't get me wrong, is the best possible problem as far as I'm concerned--any product my hair doesn't immediately soak up with no visible effect is a godsend.)  Together, this line is still a little too much for regular applications, but the shampoo has quickly become my carry-on/time-crunch product of choice--one wash and I'm out the door with no need for a separate conditioner (another first).

All Soft. Time to drop down a weight class, and with the addition of All Soft to my day I was nearly completely satisfied.  This conditioner is a thing of wonder--shiny, bouncy locks abound without going limp at the 8-hour mark.  But the scent is a little too bubblegummy for my liking. My hair hangs in my face all the time and I don't fancy smelling like children's toothpaste.

Solution?

REEEEEEMIXXXXXXX (ix...ix....ix....)

After several months of tweaking, I arrived at a formula that sounds unnecessarily complicated but leaves me with glorious tresses and makes grown heterosexual men sniff the air around my head and excuse their behavior by saying, "I'm sorry, but did you wash your hair four minutes ago, because it smells amazing."*  The solution: Little dabs of All Soft conditioner every day just on the ends, and alternating the Smooth Down shampoo with another national treasure of hair care, Therappe from Nexxus (awkwardly unpronounceable name, delicious coconut aroma).   If I'm fresh from the beach and need some extra moisture, it's the Therappe shampoo (smells like sunscreen!) plus the hardcore Smooth Down conditioner.   I'm fully aware this requires having four bottles of something on hand at all times, but consider your very green lawn--exquisite natural loveliness of this magnitude doesn't just look after itself.  It takes devotion and proper tools, and look! I found them for you!  You're welcome, internet.

[All these are somehow occasionally available at Target, but the selection's hit or miss, and weirdly expensive.  I've been buying it in liter bottles from a hair salon supply store.  They'll run you from $20-$25 each, but each bottle will last several months.]

*True story.

John Frieda Luminous Color Glaze

It should be noted first and foremost that, on some level, I have always been DEFINED by my hair. It should be noted secondly, but with equal emphasis, that I am 100% OK with this. My hair is the perfect shade of red, straight but easily bendable, and probably most importantly incredibly shiny.

We all know that post breakup haircuts are almost always a disaster. No matter what anyone says no matter how much they say they love their new pixie cut, purple lowlights, or shiny new bald noggin, they are liars. So when I cut a good six inches off my hair after breaking up with my high school boyfriend and moving to a new city, you can imagine the trauma I felt. I thought it was a new beginning and I was right. It was a new beginning where I was 18, terrified, and lacking my really beautiful swingy ponytail. So I did what any normal girl would do. I spent the next 5 years growing it out. And let me tell you I did it right. Five years older and wiser my hair was down to the middle of my back, my layers were perfectly suited to a super cute messy ponytail or any sort of style so chic that my sorority sisters would approve, and my bangs had been trained into the perfect swoop across my forehead. Who would have thought that I had learned nothing? Sure enough in a moment of weakness while feeling that I just needed a change I recklessly lopped off not a mere six inches but a panic inducing ELEVEN. I am clearly insane.

However I swear I have really learned this time. Which brings me my lust for the John Frieda Luminous Color Glaze.

While I force myself to wait months between haircuts and consequently suffer the woes of split ends, I finally have something that will help ease my pain. Now I am a nut for drugstore products especially of the hair persuasion and the absolute best thing about this glorious creation is that it is super accessible. It can be found on drugstore.com if you are into e-buying, but you can also purchase any of the six available color options just about anywhere where shampoo is sold and all for the low low price of $9.99. That is cheaper, by the way, than a haircut anywhere but SuperCuts (ew) and certainly cheaper than a head full of highlights or any sort of masochistic double process color treatment or some such thing. The glazes are available in six shades for blonde, brunette, and redhead types alike plus there is a clear one for everything in between. They are meant for color treated hair which means- ahem- they will supply your hair with major moisture and I swear to Tim Gunn your split ends will be healed like a hooker at a tent revival. They deposit minimal color, but they brighten your hair and make it super shiny so while I am glazing between cuts, all you highlight addicts can delay trips to the salon too. Basically its like a deep conditioner that takes three little minutes while you are in the shower so making your hair pretty is not a massive undertaking that will ruin your towels.

For more details poke around on the John Frieda website where all sorts of fun awaits you. What it won’t tell you is that if you hair is super thick it will soak this stuff up. On the flip side, if you hair is super fine like mine, it will feel a little over conditioned for the first day, but by day two you will be stunned.